I about died laughing!
Last post 10-04-2007 12:57 PM by fastarab. 14 replies.
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09-29-2007 8:57 PM
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oatbucket
  - Joined on 08-11-2005
- Western Kansas
- Grand Champion
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I got this in my email today
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirling and spotted. I think I may pass out...must
stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX??
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. My LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and hoo-hoo are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hoo-hoo?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color.....
Audra 
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Re: I about died laughing!
 ~horses don't lie~ ss "Riding a horse is not a gentle hobby to be picked up and laid down like a game of solitaire. It is a grand passion" R.W. Emerson
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Squeaksmom
 - Joined on 07-19-2006
- Edmonton
- Grand Champion
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Re: I about died laughing!
I've seen this before and nearly had an asthma attack from laughing so hard! Whenever I send it to someone (because it went in my keeper file) I warn them to grab a tissue beforehand, because they're going to need to dry the tears of hysterical laughter and restore eyesight to make it to the end!
Suzanne
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povertybyhorse
  - Joined on 07-14-2007
- Indiana
- Under Saddle
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Re: I about died laughing!
OMG!!!! ROFL!!!!Can't see to finish b/c I'm on the floor, of course!!!!HELP!!!! Just sent this to all my female friends so they could start their day as healthy as mine!!
And hey, Oatbucket, where'd you get that really cool avatar?
I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confines themselves to facts. - Mark Twain
The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot. - Mark Twain
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oatbucket
- Joined on 08-11-2005
- Western Kansas
- Grand Champion
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Re: I about died laughing!
I thought you all would like that. I laughed so hard I almost peed. Which of course since I am almost seven months preggers is always a danger anyway,LOL.
I agree, it is a cool avatar
Audra
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Meg
  - Joined on 08-04-2005
- San Diego Ca
- Competitor
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Re: I about died laughing!
omg thats too funny, My husband was getting mad at me cause i was reading this and laughing my head off wile he was trying to ask me sommething. LOL love it
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luneducheval
  - Joined on 11-30-2005
- Arlington, WA
- Horse of the Year
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Re: I about died laughing!
I always loved this story. :)
When you are having a bad day at work, just remember; things could always be worse. This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy.
My brother is a commercial saturation diver for @@@@@ Divers. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Hi Sis, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if, you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job ".
Janice
Bread may feed my body, but my horse feeds my soul.
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Re: I about died laughing!
okok - you got both me ans myDH with this one - he said "I hate it when that happens" lol!!!!!
~horses don't lie~ ss "Riding a horse is not a gentle hobby to be picked up and laid down like a game of solitaire. It is a grand passion" R.W. Emerson
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HunterJumperGRL
 - Joined on 05-15-2006
- Alabama
- Under Saddle
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Re: I about died laughing!
rofl wow that jelly fish one kills me! thats hilarious, but kinda sad, poor guy! lol thanks for the funny email, they make me laugh!
 "Give a horse your heart, and they will give you their soul in return"
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Tracker
 - Joined on 11-23-2006
- Illinois
- Horse of the Year
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Re: I about died laughing!
I have seen those!! I almost fell out of my chair! Boy did i need a laugh. Here is one that i thought you guys would like......
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."
15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
9. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
4. "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
2. "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS...
1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here !"
 The world turns and the world changes, but one thing does not change. However you disguise it, this thing does not change: the perpetual struggle between good and evil. -T.S. Eliot-
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Miss_Versatility
  - Joined on 11-26-2005
- SW Michigan
- Forum Hall of Fame
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Re: I about died laughing!
i showed this to my friend today in computer class. and we were laughing so hard. everyone was wondering what we were readying lol.
Without my horse, im just human. Without me, my horse is just an animal. But when you put us together we become an unstoppable team!  Crying the Blues, 20 year old National Show horse (Pictured above) R Impulsive Invite, 3 year old Quarter Horse/Appaloosa  Luvs Fantacy, 29 year old National Show Horse (Rest in Peace, December 4, 2009)
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RickRiderFra
 - Joined on 08-13-2006
- Normandy, France
- Horse of the Year
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Re: I about died laughing!
|God only knows where the hell I am, but I think I am back??? Don't know what i have signed(to be able to use the forum,) my password is REALLY EASY TO REMEMBER(if you happen to be a p.h.d. in physics,) and this new computer is rather neat...
Yes, I very stupidly blew up my last one a few months back...Thank you, those of you who wrote me regular mails(I found today.) The family is living in "da big house," like some of my hawaiian buddies would say. We 're still painting, building cuppords and cabinets, but I am sleeping in a bdroom I can finally stand up in, there are 3 bathrooms(who needs 3 bathrooms anyway,) and the living room is bigger that the cottage we just left and lived in for over 7 years!!!
It's too bad I probably won't live long to enjoy it. I AM TIRED. The cold is coming and I have a few things to get done so we can heat the damn place, and then I plan to sleep for 6months...
How are you all?
Am going to bed(you see, nothing really ever changes....)....rr
(where are those stupid little smiles and shaded sunglassed figures anyway?)
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Tracker
- Joined on 11-23-2006
- Illinois
- Horse of the Year
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Re: I about died laughing!
Glad to see you are back! Sounds like you have a real mess on your hands...you blew up your computer?? Wow! Hope you get heat in you place soon!! Here is the smiley you are looking for.
The world turns and the world changes, but one thing does not change. However you disguise it, this thing does not change: the perpetual struggle between good and evil. -T.S. Eliot-
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Re: I about died laughing!
rr how'd you end up here? You forgot the name of your own thread in off the wall? we expect a full report back in rr with pictures too. I hope your fancy new computer will help you figure it all out!
~horses don't lie~ ss "Riding a horse is not a gentle hobby to be picked up and laid down like a game of solitaire. It is a grand passion" R.W. Emerson
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Re: I about died laughing!
Oh wow! Poor you. Although thanks to you, I can now let my volley-ball coach that I won't have to do abb exersizes for quite a while, I'll just reread every day and its done!
When you are born, you cry and the world rejoices.
Live your life in such a way that when you die,
the world cries and you rejoice.
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